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Splintering

by Guy Capecelatro III

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1.
Crack it Open If all we are is flesh and bone Blood and sweat and chromosomes What is this that I feel Bubbling inside of me Something’s wrong in my ribs Breaking out but nothing gives What is it that’s loosening Struggling and fighting free On this rock sitting by the ocean Watching but it doesn’t do a thing Stupid wave rolling in and out Aimlessly endlessly boring Press your head to my chest Verify I exist For all I know there’s only Cotton balls inside of me Split it wide crack it open Something’s wrong something’s broken Maybe in the splintering I’ll become what I should be On the shore waiting for the sunset Hoping but it’s sitting there defiant Orange ball willfully determined Balancing perched on the horizon I wrecked myself like a ship Now this hull rusts on the beach I am hollowed out and void Drowning in this new defeat
2.
I Could Write You Cars all abandoned the breakwater fails I’ll move to the mountains and sweat the details Stars misaligning fault lines are bulging What evil author enjoys such indulging I don’t know if we’ll survive Some days I feel I could write you… back alive My teeth are cracking hair nearly gone The memory is lapsing but I play along I thought I knew what the world was It seems like a man does what a man does I don’t know if we’ll survive Some days I feel I could write you… back alive Sometimes I’ll look at these people Walking the streets like zombies And remember the heat that collected Between our sleeping bodies
3.
This Avalanche I’ve been shouting at the stars for the last couple hours Filling up the compost with decomposing flowers Looking through the drawers somewhere is the secret Message that you wrote me I’m sure you meant to leave it There’s a million things to do but I’m starting and I’m stopping Dragging out equipment with all the neighbors gawking There’s no way to ascribe to this reality you’re gone I’ll pretend you’re on vacation and hope they play along I know I can’t roll over onto your side of the bed For fear I might awake you or hurt your peanut head I don’t know how the heat works or when to pay the bills It feels like there’s an avalanche of all your stupid pills Talking to your family on the phone just makes me cry Every realization feels like some surprise Drowning in the shadows in the swath you left behind Wallowing like a hippo in this life now undefined It’s so hard without you near me to drift off into sleep I know I won’t be able to wash these dirty sheets Listening for your breathing and the sounds you used to make Wishing I could hold you as I lay here wide awake I know I can’t roll over onto your side of the bed For fear I might awake you or hurt your peanut head I don’t know how the heat works or when to pay the bills It feels like there’s an avalanche of all your stupid pills Sometimes in the mornings I hear you breathing still
4.
The Body Heals I wasn’t ready no matter how much steeling myself I endeavored Would you show me how to live through this worst year ever Watching men work on the new bridge God they look so cold and unprotected As the snow falls on the water Swirls around and disappears in seconds Hey Elissa I need consoling But no one wants a man who cries so easy I’ve been walking losing my bearings Never felt this hollowed out completely Wish I could mend this broken heart The way my body heals when I get wounded (injured) I saw her dwindle through the long year There’s a fragile strength in what she did I wasn’t ready no matter how much steeling myself I endeavored Would you show me how to live through this worst year ever All those people across the river They don’t even notice she’s gone missing When it’s snowing there’s a quiet Sometimes you can hear it if you listen Watching light fade from the bleak sky Never growing used to how it changes Misanthropic hyperbolic I guess I’m going through all of the stages I thought that I knew loss and losing But now I think I’m ready to concede I am barren raw and muted I’m not the same machine I used to be All those meteors and things lost to the fire You’ve been posting makes my miss you I’ve been flailing it’s been a while Sorry I retreated and withdrew
5.
I Don’t Know the World It never goes to dark the way it once got dark The way the night would tear a day apart It never feels as quiet like I remember quiet The way a kid could slither up inside it I feel heavy from the rain it's like that some days Looking for some proof stretching like this light Across the water reaching through the night I don’t understand the way the world was formed If there’s a god it seems they’ve been adjourned There’s the water down below beckoning me so My heart is a broken bottle rattling in a paper bag I’m looking for a brand new bottom greedy for what we had This life seems so thick I know I shouldn’t hide It’s hard to look across this great divide I guess we reminisce more as we go on I don’t know the world now that you’re gone It’s the new reality help me burn away this body Help me burn away
6.
All This Everything I’ve been watching you Sorry it’s taken So long for me to write I see the new couch Watch the cats play You in our bed at night I’m fine I’m okay don’t worry I know you’re hollow I see you struggle When you’re sad you tend to hide Take a shower Put some pants on Maybe you should get outside I stuck around as long as I could But I was already gone I knew it would be harder for you love But I know you’re strong I’ve been out walking With my father It’s so lovely having time Here comes Ida my sister Dru Now I see the whole design I’m fine I’m okay Don’t worry Electricity Still flows between us It just takes another form You’re still my ally You’re my everything You made me feel so safe and warm I stuck around as long as I could But I was already gone I knew it would be harder for you love But I know you’re strong
7.
Live it Again Woke up too early stayed in the sheets You like a mummy snuggled beneath Your shaven head rough to the touch It felt like I couldn’t love you enough Tangle of sunlight slipped through the window As I was counting days we had known I traced my finger across your thin lip Wishing your sickness ignored all the scripts Wanted a photo to capture it then Knew that I’d never live it again If I could go back I’d set it straight (If I had powers I would retrace weight waste) Bottle that moment stop time in place
8.
Come See Me 05:52
Come See Me Hey Pam, the magnolia is bursting Shooting out like popcorn Spring is here for certain Today I had the windows open to let inside some air Skittering around the house I feel so unprepared This year seemed like an eternity I don’t understand how you moved so fearlessly Watching as the world explodes feeling it’s effects Despite the way I’ve steeled myself somehow I’m so wrecked These cats wandering confused Thinking that you’re hiding searching room to room Looking through the photographs to gather for your service Somehow in the scope of this I forgot my purpose I forgot my purpose Hey Pam where are you right now Will you come and see me the way we talked about Watching every bird I see hoping for a sign Knowing there will be some gift revealed to me in time
9.
Stripped Away I used to be a real good time But I guess that it’s hard to see I must seem a shell of myself When you look at me I swear I was a real good time I never felt cold at night I didn’t lay in bed til noon Pretending that no one knows Now I’m so consumed But I used to be a pretty good time What do you see when you look at me now It must seem a little bizarre I hope you don’t look too hard Everybody hides a little bit of themselves Now I’m all stripped away Drowning in the what remains I used to be a real good time But how would anybody know All we did was mess around It feels so long ago I used to be a real good time Cape Breton in the fall Cabin at the water’s edge Me and my corny jokes You and your shaven head We used to have a pretty good time What do you see when you look at me now It must seem a little bizarre I hope you don’t look too hard Everybody hides a little bit of themselves Now I’m all stripped away Drowning in the what remains God you were so sublime We used to have a pretty good time
10.
Haunt Me 03:21
Haunt Me It’s so dark tonight I can barely see Something in the thick of this Helps me to believe Show yourself my love I know that you’re close You said you’d be haunting me You would be my ghost I said I’d keep you safe And that I’d never leave Sorry I couldn’t protect you From that disease The way the wind Seems to call your name There’s so much mystery In this what remains Are you the spotted owl Hiding out of sight I need to see you love Show yourself tonight I said I’d keep you safe And that I’d never leave Sorry I couldn’t protect you From that disease Forgive me my love please

about

This album was written and recorded in the wake of losing my wife and partner Pam Raiford. With these songs I do my best to unflinchingly describe this ultimate loss as truly and clearly as possible.

credits

released September 4, 2018

Guitars and vocals by GC III. Vocals by 1 - Jocelyn Mackenzie, 2 - MorganEve Swain, 3- Chris Decato, 4 - Mische Eddins, 5 – Craig Werth, 6 – Mara Flynn, 7 – Scotty Houston, 8 – Carrie Bradley, 9 – Jim Rioux, 10 – Bree Scanlon.

All other sounds, production and mastering by Chris Decato.

Illustration and design by Alyssa Grenning.

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burst & bloom records Maine

Burst & Bloom is a small, independent record label and book publisher based in Kittery and Bath, ME.

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